December 17, 2010

A guest post from my brother Chris: "Stuff Redmons Like" Pt. 1

Andrew and I had the pleasure of having Chris live with us last spring, 
and he has been hounding us to be a guest writer on our blog so as to vent his frustrations.  : )  (Andrew's Note: I've been instructed not to include any Andrew's Notes)

 Stuff Redmons Like – By Chris Livingston

(note from Author – Only three will fit.  Come back later for more!)
Anthropologists’ refer to it as “The Great Study” – the six months I spent surrendered to a strange culture.  My own family viewed it as a tremendous sacrifice – their common fear of my acculturation where strange behavior, slow internet and no sports reside.  But alas the study has yielded much wisdom in dealing with eccentric folk as these.  And it is with great satisfaction that I publish my first findings in dealing with the ‘Redmon kind’.  As the holidays approach you are bound to encounter a Redmon.  Should this happen, use this list as a guide to understanding their ways.  If you are successful you might obtain entrance into their circle of friendship.  It is on this journey I bestow all my knowledge and wish you luck.
Stuff Redmons Like
1.     Dirty Dishes

Like a horse eating a watermelon rind, little more excites a Redmon than a pile of dishes stacked in the sink.  Nothing can prepare you for the utter joy felt deep within a Redmon’s heart upon returning home to a pile of dirty plates from last week.  It is, quite honestly, a beautiful display of happiness, contentment, and shear complacent satisfaction.  
Action Item:
Redmons do not wish others to know of this custom and hide it well when visitors are present. Thus when visiting a Redmon, make a comment on the cleanliness of their kitchen sink and remark how yours is always full of dishes.  Such a statement might just earn you ‘in-group’ status.
2.     Julia Child

Julia Child, Miami Book Fair International, 1989
Any good Redmon feels the need to be current (Actually, this statement is in heated debate among academics everywhere with no true side winning out).  This is especially true with Redmons as I saw during the Julia Child affair.  Who is Julia Child?  Exactly – not many people knew and neither did the Redmons.  However, upon seeing the enormous rise in popularity of a cooking icon, all Redmons immediately flocked to the nearest bookstore and purchased the old lady’s entire collection of cookbooks which were promptly displayed (as if they had always been there), talked about (as if they had always known Julia Child to be the ‘great teacher’ of French cooking), and cooked through to justify their ‘always held understanding that Julia Child existed and we always knew about her’ mentality.  When engaging a Redmon in conversation about cooking, bring up Julia Child but pretend to know nothing; they will be thrilled to instruct you with their knowledge of her.
3.     Scottish Things

As manly as lobbing stones at one another and as girly as wearing skirts, Scottish Culture is the perfect companion to a Redmon’s arsenal of strange behaviors and customs.  You may often find a Redmon parading around the house in nothing but Kilt, several blades, high socks, and funny ribbons at the top of the socks.  While Redmon women do not join in this behavior, they are instructed to accompany the husband to the proper festivals, support the buying of additional blades and accessories, and to always carry with them the Braveheart blue-ray and be ready at moment’s notice.  If you choose to address this subject with a Redmon, it is advised that you do so carefully.  While everyone claims to have Scottish decent (the same way everyone claims to be Cherokee… please…stop trying to justify those high cheekbones…), a person educated in the Scottish culture will know their pattern of kilt and at least 17 quotes from the director’s cut of Highlander.

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1 comment:

  1. BWA! HA! HA! "a horse eating a watermelon rind?"